Straining at Gnats and Swallowing Camels

I am getting quite the late start in writing this post, to the point where I almost opted not write it, but we had such a good meeting this morning, I wanted to share it with all of you.

I wrote last week that a newer attendee of my meeting was celebrating 26 years of sobriety, and opted to share her celebration with my Monday morning group.  I was both honored and humbled by this decision… I would imagine that after 26 years of attending meetings, there are all sorts of options available to her, so it means a  lot to me that she chose my itty-bitty meeting!  She brought some people with her, which will hopefully mean more future attendees!

So, first, there is always such joy in announcing an anniversary.  You can feel the collective pride in the room, as if it were a separate entity, and it never fails to amaze me. I asked her to select the reading for this week, and she selected a chapter entitled “Watching Out For Anger and Resentment,” a topic that any alcoholic/addict should contemplate/read/discuss on a regular basis.

Now the only catch in her selection is that we had read this exact chapter last month when it was time to read from this particular book, so we all heard each other’s thoughts on the subject.  For me, especially, as the first to share, I struggled to find something new to say that I hadn’t talked about 4 weeks ago.  But, as in all recovery literature, something new pops out each time I read it,and, as usual, I gained some new insight on the chapter that I shared with the group, as did every person in the room (which is the best part of the smaller meeting!).

The best takeaway for me came from a gentleman who just returned to the meeting (he had been taking an academic course on Monday mornings, and now the course is over).  He has a decent amount of sober time, and he shared that what he looks out for the most in this stage of his sobriety is not the large, dramatic resentments, but the small, petty little annoyances that come up with a much greater frequency.  If he does not handle them, promptly and effectively, they will pile up and disrupt his serenity as surely as one rage-producing issue.   At this point he referenced a bible passage, reportedly quite common (although you can’t prove it by me, I’ve never heard of it!), which is the title of this post.

This share hit me like a ton of bricks, because it describes me perfectly.  Most of the other people at the meeting talked about starting their road to recovery with so much anger they couldn’t see straight.  But this idea of straining at gnats but swallowing camels… this is something to which I can relate.  The big giant issues in life, the crises, the dramatic moments, I can be as cool as a cucumber.  But put me behind a driver who is breaking the “Road Etiquette According to Josie,” and I completely lose it.  Prior to this morning’s meeting, I would just shrug off the road rage as one of my peccadilloes, but now I will look at it in a new light, and do my best to improve my reactions.  Because enough frustration at the idiot drivers on the road, enough disgust at the flawed customer service in any given store, enough annoyance at the repeated mistakes of my children, could lead me back to a mind-altering substance.  When viewed from that perspective, it seems almost ridiculous not to get a grip!

Today’s Miracle:

Well, technically it’s not for a few hours, but what the hell… Happy Birthday to me on the 12th, and what a miracle it is to be celebrating another sober birthday!

The Topic is Resentment, and Boy Does That Tick Me Off

I don’t think I’ve done a Monday meeting wrap-up in a while.  We have been holding steady… today we had 9 attendees, and several are newer “regulars.”  One gentleman had been with us a while back, and is now resuming his attendance.  People who come back to meetings after having been absent always provide excellent insight, at least to my way of thinking, so I got a lot out of today’s experience.

Today I selected a reading called “Watching Out for Anger and Resentments,” from the book Living Sober.  I had a specific reason for picking this chapter.  Over the past week, I have had 5 very different, very disturbing dreams that, one way or another, referenced my time in active addiction.  What’s most troubling to me about these dreams, other than that they are recurring, is that I have no conscious disturbance in my life.  Each morning that I woke up from one I spent time reflecting on what can be causing the subconscious turmoil, and I have yet to pinpoint a reason.  Life is still really, miraculously good… so what is the problem?

In AA, we are taught that resentments are “the number one offender,” so I picked that chapter from the book, and we had a meaningful discussion after the reading.  Here is what I uncovered for myself at the conclusion of the meeting:

1. As always, I have more resentments than I realize.  After reading all the different ways resentment can manifest itself (hostility, contempt, rigidity, cynicism, to name but a few), I have more going on than I realize.  What’s been missing from my personal equation is taking the time to figure out all that is going on in my head, talking about it, praying on it, and listening for His answer.
2. Bringing a resentment to a final conclusion.  It is not enough to just figure out, “oh yeah, I have a resentment about that.”  I have been doing that with certain things in my life for months on end now.  Once I figured out that I have a resentment, I need to Let.  It.  Go!  And that is the one I thing I have refused to do on a number of issues.  I guess there is some progress in acknowledging the resentment, for most of my adult life I did not have the skill set to do even that.  But now I need to take the next logical step, and remove the resentment from my life.
3. A woman in my meeting was telling me how much her marriage has improved.  She said to her husband, “What made you change?”  He replied, “I didn’t change, you did.”  So we talked about how his behavior had really stayed constant, but her acceptance had increased, and thus the entire relationship improved.   Kudos for her!  Unfortunately, the same thing can happen in reverse, and I’m afraid I am guilty of it.  One small example:  my son has been severely testing my patience for close to two weeks now.  It seems as if there is an argument of some kind at least once a day.  In reading the chapter today, and digesting the sharing afterwards, I realized that his behavior has been consistent, it is my attitude that has changed.  So until I can get my head on straight, he is going to drive me crazy.
4. Finally, and this is an off-shoot of point #2, I need to take the time to figure out how to resolve the resentments in my life.  There were several alternatives discussed in today’s reading, but the one that resonated most with me was:  ask yourself how a reasonable, well-balanced person would solve this problem, then act as if you are that reasonable, well-balanced person.  This made me laugh out loud, because I can’t tell you how many times I have said exactly that to myself… “how would a normal person handle this?”  Where I fall short is the acting as if part, and I realize, yet again, it is not enough to think my way into right acting, I need to act my way into right thinking!

Today’s Miracle:

It is a picture-perfect fall day here on the East Coast, and I am grateful for the beautiful season we are having!

Jesus, Take the Wheel: The (Fingers Crossed) Conclusion

NOTE:  If you are interested, I was a guest blogger over at Running On Sober, feel free to check it out!

I am hoping this is the last in the story arc that has become my Monday morning meetings.  Yes, I am posting this late, and I’m sure a post will eventually follow about transitioning from “School Schedule” to “Summer Schedule,” but suffice it to say that writing has been challenging while adjusting.

Okay, back to the story.  If you are just starting out now, check out here and here.  We had a break in this story because she did not show up for week 3 of her June “commitment” (commitment is in quotes because I’m still not sure with whom she committed).  Okay, so this past Monday is the last in June, I show up, and I am still just praying that her enthusiasm to chair this meeting had waned.

No such luck.

Meanwhile, because it’s the fourth Monday, this is the week that I do some research, and bring some older, more historical pieces of AA literature to the meeting.  In other words, this reading would be something with which few would be familiar.  Which would make it difficult for someone to just step in and chair the meeting.  I’m just saying.

She blows through the door (why is it that chaotic-type people enter rooms so dramatically?), and asks if I received the note she left.  I look around the desk… surprise!  No note.  She says, “Well, I’m sure someone got it.”

Philosophical sidebar:  If you leave a note and no one reads it, does the note have meaning?  Corollary:  If you leave a note and someone reads it, but has no idea what you’re talking about, does the note have meaning?

My answer to both of those questions:  NO.

She explains that she was not present to chair last week because she is sick, her cat is sick, and her boyfriend is sick.  I say, “No problem.”

I promise you, I am not making this up, nor am I exaggerating this exchange in any way.

She starts complaining about her illness (something to do with the throat).  Within 3 sentences, she is hysterically crying, because, and I quote, “None of this would have happened if they hadn’t burned up my medical records!  And they wonder why I’m such a bitch!!!  And I had to pay $400 to get my cat fixed!”

So now I have several competing issues to deal with:

1.  My facial expression, because, as I have mentioned in previous posts, I have the opposite of a poker face; therefore, I have to school my expression so as not to show my confusion, and frankly, alarm that I am alone with this yelling, crying woman.

2.  How best to comfort this woman who is in such distress

3.  General curiosity:  What happened that should have never happened?  How, when and why were the medical records burned?  Why would a vomiting cat cost $400 to cure?

4.  How best to keep this woman from chairing this meeting

I figure the best way to defuse the emotion is to ask detail questions (which has the side benefit of satisfying number 3 on my list).  This has a mixed effect, some of the questions do seem to bring some calm, others promote even more dramatic (picture face in hands, chest-heaving sobbing) emotion.  The story fails to get any clearer, for me anyway, but one thing I have established:  all of the serious health ailments she proceeds to talk about (involving surgery, feeding tubes, and the like) took place a decade ago.  Not sure how and why they’re playing into today’s conversation, but I’m just rolling with it at this point.

The conversation then proceeds to complaints about her sponsor.  Okay, this is ground on which I have surer footing, and I can speak a little more confidently during this part of the discussion.  She definitely calms down at this point, and says to me, “Would you mind chairing this meeting?”

Thank.  You.  God.

A few minutes later, other attendees start coming in, and the one-on-one conversation is over.  The meeting begins (8 people total), we read, and the first person raises her hand to share.  The woman has barely started speaking, and my “Committed Chairperson” noisily gets up and leaves.  She is making lots of noise outside the room, someone goes to check on her, and she winds up leaving.  I am told that she was too upset by what the person sharing was saying, and she could not stay for the meeting (I know you will believe me when I tell you the woman sharing had nothing inflammatory to say).  The remainder of the meeting was very calm, everyone enjoyed the reading, and everyone had something to share related to it.

So, will she be back as an attendee in July?  Will the cat need follow-up medical care?  Will I ever find the note left for me?  Stay tuned!

Jesus, Take the Wheel: The Follow-Up

This story just keeps getting… well, I won’t say better and better, I guess I’ll choose more and more interesting.

I’m just going to jump right in (if you are new, please read  Jesus, Take the Wheel).  I get to my meeting this morning, usual time, about 30 minutes before it starts.  I will be honest here:  when I got in and saw I was by myself, I breathed a sigh of relief.  I recognize this is probably not the most charitable attitude, but there it is.  So I set up, make coffee, and settle in to select a reading (usually I do this over the weekend, but I wasn’t sure what to expect with this woman, so I didn’t bother.  Also, the second week of the month is the easiest book from which to select a passage, so I knew I would be safe either way).  I had just finished reading what I knew would be a perfect subject about which I could share, and zooming into the parking lot, at “club car” level audio, is my mystery chair person from last week.

Damn!  Again, uncharitable, but honest.

So I sit in the chairperson’s chair and wait for her to come in.  She breezes through, and says, “Oh, I’m so glad you’re here and you made coffee, because I’m running late.”

Side note:  I am getting annoyed all over again just typing this story.

I say, “I will always be here, because I started this meeting, and I have been the only chair up to this point.”

She says, “Yes, well I’m here now, and I signed up to chair this month.”

Okay, at this point, I would imagine anyone who is not familiar with AA tradition is possibly jumping up and down, ready to scream at me in frustration.  Why didn’t I just put her in her place?!?

Here’s the answer:  AA has 12 steps and 12 traditions, which are the closest thing our group has to by-laws.  Tradition 2 states:

For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority—a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.

What this means is that even though I started this meeting, and I am the only member who has chaired, does not make me the dictator of the meeting.  All decisions made for a meeting should be done with group conscience.  So, if this woman wants to chair the meeting, and I don’t think she should, the correct means for me to go about “dethroning” her would be to take a vote of all the attendees.  Which, of course, I am not going to do.

Plus, practically speaking, I am hoping to increase attendance at my meeting.  So the last thing I want to do is alienate someone I don’t know, and have her badmouthing her experience.

So I do what I told myself I would do if she showed up:  I sit down in the “spectator” seats, and I wait for her to start the meeting.

She begins, has no idea what book we are reading from, I fill her in (she has to ask my name twice), and we start reading.  She shares first, which is traditional, at least in the meetings in my part of the world.

Spoiler Alert:  this is going to get a little catty.

She announces that she just celebrated 16 years of sobriety, and passes around her coin for all of us to see.  Which is awesome.  But then she starts to share what is going on in her life as it relates to the passage we had just read.  The story starts out relevant, but quickly and terrifyingly devolves into impossibly hard-to-follow stories from childhood.  Stories that include, but are not limited to:  pagans, warlocks, organized crime, and holding people at gunpoint with a shotgun.

As good an imagination as I have, I promise you I could not make this stuff up.  Truthfully, I am leaving a lot out, because some of it is not fit for this blog.

On the one hand, I am always happy to lend an ear for someone who needs to talk.  She actually admitted that she did not speak at meetings for, and I quote, “the first 18 years of her sobriety” (yes, if you are paying attention, she did say 18 years, even though she passed around a 16-year coin.  Frankly, by this point I wouldn’t have asked for clarification even if I wanted to).  She clearly needs to get things out, and that is what meetings are for.

On the other hand, as the one who started this meeting, as the one who has something invested in it, and as the one who really, really wants to increase attendance, this kind of stream-of-consciousness, frightening sharing worries me.  All of the other attendees at today’s meeting are older, some retired, and consistently conservative.  Will this kind of sharing turn them away?  I just don’t know.

Two bright spots:  first, this month only has 4 weeks, so we are already halfway there.  Second, I have gotten close with one of my regular attendees, a woman with 28 years of sobriety, and more wisdom than I could ever hope to achieve.  I am going to email her and ask for her advice, as she is a witness to this madness, but has been around for a lot longer than I have, so will probably had some sage advice on where to go from here.

No matter what happens, I have been planning on doing another “media blitz” to re-market, I am definitely waiting until this situation resolves itself!

Today’s Miracle:

That I don’t have warlocks or pagans as part of my recovery story.  That may sound sarcastic, but I am serious, I am grateful!

Fear of the Unknown

The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown. -H.P. Lovecraft

I am reading a book, Sober Identity, written by an extremely talented fellow blogger, Lisa Neumann.  I believe one of reasons for finding my way to the blogging world was to connect with Lisa and this book, because it inspires me with each page I read.  To say I recommend this book would be an understatement.  The section I am reading today talks about consciously choosing the words you say, and eliminating what you don’t mean to say.  So, with deliberation, I will say that I am experiencing a fair amount of anxiety today.

I have written in the past that I am awaiting some consequences from my active addiction.  Today I received a hurried voicemail that at last I may have to begin the “consequence” process tomorrow.  So I am anxious for several reasons.  First, that is all the information I have, and that is not nearly enough information for my controlling mind to accept.  Second, I have a trip planned, out of town, next week, and I am terrified that this process will force me to cancel my trip.  And, last but certainly not least, I have very limited knowledge of what the process will mean to my life, how disruptive it will be, how long it will last… really, I don’t know anything.

So now it’s time to walk the walk instead of just talking the talk, practice what I preach, and pick up the tools that I have been accumulating for the past 226 days.  What else can I do?  I have made some phone calls and voiced my feelings (and I feel reasonably confident I will be on the phone some more after I hit “publish”), I have prayed, I am writing, and I will pray some more.  Most important, I will keep reminding myself that the Higher Power I wrote about yesterday is working, right now, to make everything turn out okay.

To be continued…