12/12/16: Be Good to Yourself

The title of this blog post, which also happens to be the title of the chapter we read in the morning’s meeting (from the book Living Sober) might seem counterintuitive given the endless tasks of the current holiday season.  Who has time to take care of themselves when there are gifts to be bought, presents to be wrapped, cookies to be baked, parties to attend, and all of this amidst our daily lives?

And the answer is:  make the time.  You can’t transmit what you haven’t got.  And if you don’t take the time to acquire the holiday spirit, then all the cooking, baking and shopping in the world isn’t going to give it to you.

Interestingly, this reading selection was not picked by me, but by a regular attendee of the meeting.  And he did not select this reading in deference to holiday madness; rather, he selected it in deference to my madness, and the madness that surrounds my ongoing foot troubles.

So let me back it up a few steps and fill you in on exactly what’s happening with the foot.  For several years now, I’ve had a problem with foot pain.  The more I exercise, the worse it gets.   Over the summer I joined a gym that is the most intense workout that I’ve personally endured, and so the recurring foot problem reared its ugly head.

Long story short, I finally went and had the problem diagnosed, found out there is a very simple outpatient procedure that can fix the problem, and scheduled to have it done in early November.  I was uncharacteristically on the ball with the whole process… asked in-depth questions, looked out in the calendar to get the best 5 day window for the healing process, organized my life accordingly.

And I had the surgery, and was told it was a success.  Except… my foot had more pain than before I started.  And so the last several weeks have been spent trying to figure out exactly why this is so.  This afternoon I have an appointment where the doctor will read the MRI and hopefully give me a firm diagnosis and solution.

This process… and I dislike wrapping it up like this, as if the process is complete, which it by no means is… has been inconvenient, frustrating, anxiety-producing, and has forced me to reach out for help in ways that make me extremely uncomfortable.

So when my friend first suggested the reading, I wanted to roll my eyes to the ceiling.  “Being good to myself” is all I’ve been doing, since I don’t have much of a choice to do anything else… my foot won’t let me!

Plus the chapter is all about sobriety, so I doubted it would have much relatability to my current state of affairs.

Then I read this section:

Now that we know alcoholism is not immoral behavior, we have found it essential to readjust our attitudes. We have learned that one of the persons least likely to treat the alcoholic like a sick person is, somewhat surprisingly, the alcoholic herself (or himself). Once again, our old thinking habits are cropping up.

It’s often said that problem drinkers are perfectionists, impatient about any shortcomings, especially our own. Setting impossible goals for ourselves, we nevertheless struggle fiercely to reach these unattainable ideals.

Then, since no human being could possibly maintain the extremely high standards we often demand, we find ourselves falling short, as all people must whose aims are unrealistic. And discouragement and depression set in. We angrily punish ourselves for being less than super-perfect.

That is precisely where we can start being good—at least fair—to ourselves. We would not demand of a child or of any handicapped person more than is reasonable. It seems to us we have no right to expect such miracles of ourselves as recovering alcoholics, either.

Impatient to get completely well by Tuesday, we find ourselves still convalescing on Wednesday, and start blaming ourselves. That’s a good time to back off, mentally, and look at ourselves in as detached, objective a way as we can. What would we do if a sick loved one or friend got discouraged about slow recuperation progress, and began to refuse medicine?  -pg. 42

So much for no relatability!  I have been beating myself up for all of this… it’s my own fault!  I should have never gotten the surgery!  And all that guilt gets me is more angst.  Thank goodness for the wise people in my meeting, and for their compassion and understanding.

So that’s me, and what I needed from this morning’s meeting.  The group had a really interesting discussion about the balance between being good to yourself and being self-absorbed.  Some worried that we, in our tendency to be all-or-nothing thinkers, might take the advice in this chapter too far, and find ourselves wallowing in self-pity disguised as self-care.

But the long-timers in the room had an entirely different perspective, and it’s the one I referenced at the beginning of the post.  You can’t take care of anyone else until you’ve taken care of yourself.  Once I get myself settled physically, mentally and spiritually, only then am I best able to reach out to others and provide service.  Doing it backwards short changes everyone involved.

Finally, and I’m ending on this because the story moved me so much… a woman shared that she’s been troubled by people asking for help but not being as honest as they could be, and the conflict that brings about for the woman herself.  Should she help someone when they are dishonest?

Another woman raised her hand and offered a true story she had been told some years ago.  There was a professional baseball player known for his generosity.  One day he was approached in the parking lot by a woman in need.  She told him her child was in desperate need of surgery, but she had no insurance and no way to afford the proper medical care.  He asked how much was needed, she told him, and without hesitation he gave her the money she needed.

Later his team mates criticized him, and told him, “Don’t you know she conned you?  There is no sick child!  She just wanted money!”

His immediate response:  “Wait… there’s no sick child?”

“That’s WONDERFUL news!”

For the baseball player, there was no confusion.  He wants to help others.  If they choose to be dishonest or take advantage of his generosity, that is out of his control.  He can only control his own actions, and that is what brings him peace.

Today’s Miracle:

That story made brightened my day, I hope it brightened yours as well!

M(3), 12/5/16: Acceptance is the Answer

It feels good to be writing on this blog, I can’t seem to string two weeks together here!

This is the Monday I’ve been waiting for all year.  When I chose the new format of the Big Book readings back in January, I realized that December would be a free pick month, and I didn’t need two seconds to consider what reading I’d select.

Normally I choose this reading at least two times in a calendar year, so I’m overdue for this topic!

The reading is the title of the post.  It is in the personal stories section of the book Alcoholics Anonymous, and is one of the most popular ones in the fellowship.  If you say to a member of the 12-step program, “what is the significance of page 417?” they will likely have the answer.  It is the seminal paragraph in Dr. Paul O’s story:

“And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.
When I am disturbed,
It is because I find some person, place, thing, situation —
Some fact of my life — unacceptable to me,
And I can find no serenity until I accept
That person, place, thing, or situation
As being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God’s world by mistake.
Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober;
Unless I accept life completely on life’s terms,
I cannot be happy.
I need to concentrate not so much
On what needs to be changed in the world
As on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.”
Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition p. 417

I’ve told, possibly a dozen times or more, the significance of the story in my own personal journey of sobriety (here’s one example if you haven’t read).  And there hasn’t been a time I’ve read the story that it doesn’t help me gain perspective in some way.

The main reason I took the blog in the direction I’ve taken it… writing about the lessons I’m learning within the fellowship of the 12-step program… is that I find so many universal lessons within the program, lessons that teach me so much more than just how to stay sober.  This story, and the enlightenment we in the meeting rooms receive, is possibly the best example I can provide.

As usual, the story did not disappoint.  We had a large group this morning, and the positive reaction was unanimous.  In fact, a bonus treat was introducing the story to a woman for the first time.  She was familiar with the paragraph I have above, but not with the story itself.  Even more amazing, she shares the same profession as the author of the story, and the profession plays a huge role in his recovery story, so it held special meaning for her.

For people unfamiliar with 12-step meetings, books are typically kept in the meeting room, then shared by all.  The first person to share this morning said what stood out most to her about the story was how the author was able to improve his marriage by using the principles of the program at home.  Coincidentally, in the book this woman was reading from this morning, someone wrote at the end of the chapter:  “portrait of a marriage.”  So someone else agrees that reading this story can help to build bridges with your spouse!

Another long-timer shared that would stood out most to him was the idea that “serenity works in inverse proportion with expectations.”  In other words, the more you expect out of people and life, the less peaceful you are likely to be.  Another universal concept that everyone could use in their lives, especially around the holidays!

A friend shared that what struck her this morning was how she related to the author’s sense of self-deprecating humor.  Because he wrote so humorously and compellingly, she was able to relate to his story, despite having little in common with him in terms of logistics.  She especially related to the way he described chemically altering himself to achieve unconsciousness.  She found that even though she merely drank wine at night, the end result was the same.  It’s reassuring to read that the basic principles of the program work despite the substance of choice.

Another gentleman shared that he used to read this story with a sense of self-righteousness, as he too only drank alcohol, and refrained from any kind of drug use.  But he is starting to come around to the idea that at the end of the day, the underlying issues are the same for all of us, and comparisons, good or bad, are detrimental.  We all only have today in which to stay sober.

I of course got an absolute ton out of the reading itself and from the wisdom everyone shared.  As I mentioned earlier, this reading applies to all areas in my life:

When I criticize a person, or judge them:

“When I complain about me or about you, I am criticizing God’s handiwork.  I am saying I know better than God.” -pg. 417

If I’m frustrated that people aren’t taking my advice:

“And if I don’t know what’s good for me, then I don’t know what’s good or bad for you or for anyone.  So I’m better off if I don’t give advice, don’t figure I know what’s best, and just accept life on life’s terms, as it is today – especially my own life, as it actually is.” -pg. 418

When I am angry that my husband won’t see my point of view:

“… in AA I was told… ‘the courage to change’ in the Serenity Prayer meant not that I should change my marriage, but that I should change myself and learn to accept my spouse as she was.”  -pg. 419

When I am fearful and anxious that my stupid foot is taking too long to heal:

“Acceptance is the key to my relationship with God today.  I never just sit around and do nothing while waiting for Him to tell me what to do.  Rather, I do whatever is in front of me to be done, and I leave the results up to Him; however that turns out, that’s God’s will for me.” -pg. 420

I’m already sad the meeting is over and I won’t be able to pick this selection for a while!

Today’s Miracle:

The reading, and the insights is never fails to deliver, count as my miracle!