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M(3), 1/9/17: Easy Does It

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Today was one of those days where I took advantage of my “power,” as it were, and selected a reading I hoped would help me personally.  We read from the book Living Sober, and I selected the chapter “Easy Does It.”

I actually went in searching for the chapter “One Day At A Time,” only to find it was not in there.  I could use that prioritization as well.  And a blog post may soon follow on this one, as I find it one of the most useful adages in the 12-step lexicon.

But back to the subject at hand:  we read the chapter “Easy Does It.”  In terms of recovery, the chapter talks about the common thread of compulsivity that seems to exist in alcoholics.  We are the type to rarely let a drink go unfinished (alcoholic or not), we read until the book is finished, and, in a newer twist, and speaking for myself, binge watching television series is a great additional example of pursuing something until the bitter end!

And of course, there’s nothing wrong with many of these compulsive tendencies… most of them are, in fact, preferable to drinking.  But the chapter gently asks us to look at this piece of our personalities, and consider slowing down once we realize we are in the grips of this thinking.

Of particular import to me today was this section:

When we do find ourselves uptight and even frantic, we can ask ourselves occasionally, “Am I really that indispensable?” or “Is this hurry really necessary?”  What a relief to find the honest answer is frequently no!  And such devices actually serve, in the long run, no only to help us get over our drinking problem and its old ways; they also enalbe us to become far more productive, because we conserve and channel our energy better.  We arrange priorities more sensibly.  We learn that many actions once considered vital can be eliminated if they are thoughtfully reexamined.  “How much does this really matter?” is a very good question.  -pg. 45, Living Sober

Here’s what’s been the lather-rinse-repeat cycle of my mind for the past solid month… I sit with my boot on, thinking I need to sit in order to get the boot off.  Then as I sit I think of the various things that I’m not doing, and feel badly about not doing them.  I look around and see evidence of my not doing things… dust bunnies, empty refrigerator, laundry piles, etc.  At least this is how things look in my mind.  I finally get so agitated I get up and do something, anything, to relieve the pressure of not doing something.  Then I recognize that my foot hurts from, you know, walking on it.  Then I am depressed anew because all this means is a delay of healing.  And I sit down, and the cycle begins again.

 Preposterous, as I type it out, but it’s the truth.
So I read chapters like this, I talk about what’s going on in my head, and I remember that this too shall pass.  And guess what?  The house isn’t that horrible, I have teenage children and a husband who are more than capable of undecorating and carrying laundry baskets around.  And one way or another, I will survive the boot.
I will survive the boot.  I’ve just decided this is my new mantra.
In other, more recovery-related subjects, the following pearls of wisdom were shared this morning:
  • An almost unanimous decision that employing “easy does it” to one’s life is a work- in-progress situation.  Some days/weeks/months you’ll have it, and some you won’t.
  • Part of the trap of this personality booby trap is the idea that we’ll relax/take time out/start enjoying life once x, y or z happens.  I’ll start taking it easy after I get through the holidays, as soon as I get the promotion, once I clean the house.  But this logic is inherently flawed, as there is always a new item to get through/achieve/do.
  • Making a conscious decision to feed ourselves rather than delete from ourselves is important.  Taking time to actually schedule, in your planner or calendar, time each day to nurture yourself, will have untold benefits.
  • Claiming that you are too important to employ “easy does it” is a form of self-aggrandizing.  It’s especially important to ask the questions listed above (Am I really that important and is this hurry really necessary), as the ego could be at play.
  • Often we find a sense of disappointment when we are too goal-oriented.  We work and work to achieve a goal, be it materialistic or not, then find said goal did not give us the satisfaction we thought it would.  Then life becomes a series of pushing from goal to goal, with little appreciation for the journey that takes us to those goals.
  • Though it may be trite, appreciating the journey is as important, if not more important, than appreciating the destination, as so much of life is about exactly that… the journey.

Hope everyone is having an Easy Does It Monday!

Today’s Miracle:

True story:  one person, in his/her share (remember, trying to make things more anonymous) said the following:  “if there’s laundry to be done…. well then, teach the kids how to do it!”  It was said lightly, but it should be noted I wrote the paragraph above before the meeting.  So I’d say this reminder from someone who did not know I was fretting about this counts as my miracle!

 

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M(3), 3/21/16: Spot Check

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Happy Spring!

It’s getting happy, though not quite there yet.  It’s sunny, but cold, I am mending from an illness, though not yet 100%.  Sorry I missed last week’s post, I missed the meeting as well.

Since time moves along whether I am sick or I am well, this week we covered Step 10 in the book Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions.  For those unfamiliar,


Step 10:

Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong promptly admitted it


Reading this step is timely, as I have been struggling of late with those self-critical voices that dog all of us to a greater or lesser degree.  My voices start out very innocently, and are disguised as The Objective Devil’s Advocate…

Are you sure you’re exercising as hard as you could?  I’m sure you’ve got more left in the tank.

Which turns into…

Of course you can do more, if you don’t then you have clearly failed to exercise properly.

Which can easily morph into…

You suck at exercise!

Now, this is one very small example, but multiply that by 1,000 and include every area of life, and you’ve got the inner workings of my negative brain gone haywire.

So reading step 10, and remembering some of its fundamental tenets, was particularly helpful this morning.   Things like:

Focusing on nothing but the negative is not the point of any inventory

A true and honest appraisal must, but its very definition, include the good that is happening.  It could probably go without saying, but once I start to look at the good that is happening in my life, I realize that it far outweighs the bad, and severely limits the negative chatter.

We need to look at progress, not perfection

This lesson can’t be taught enough for me.  It is so easy to wonder why I can’t do more, achieve more, be more, but what about what I’ve done compared to where I was?

In fact, the very nature of my share this morning had to do with the discontent I’ve felt while I’ve been sick… how it messed with my head, made me feel unnecessarily down on myself, and how I am looking to regain my serenity after visiting the doctor and having to take medicine.

A gentleman who shared after me talked about having the opposite experience, how the first time he went to the doctor in sobriety he was elated, because he could actually tell he was sick, since he was no longer self-medicating with alcohol.

Excellent point, one I had forgotten in my low physical state.

After that a newcomer shared, and said she looks forward to the day where she can feel sick in a legitimate way.  Currently even if she does feel under the weather, she will lie to her husband and say she feels okay so that he doesn’t question her drinking wine with dinner.

Message received, Universe:  there has been progress for this alcoholic!

Courtesy, kindness, justice and love is the way to handle pretty much anybody and everybody with whom we come in contact

Really, enough said here.  Well, one more thing… I need to include how I treat myself in that list!

A long-timer talked about how he favors step 10 above all else, because it is one that is so universal, and so easy to make progress.  In early sobriety, he could not think of something as daunting as putting pen to paper and writing a lifelong inventory, but he could look at the day and see what he did right and wrong.  By starting small, he was able to build up to the other, more labor-intensive steps.

Another attendee focused on the notion of justifiable anger, and whether we in recovery are entitled to it.  He has decided that for him, the answer is no… there is no excuse for holding onto anger in recovery.  In any situation where he finds himself resentful, he looks to correct his part in the situation, and let go of the parts where others are responsible.  Like everything else, this practice takes time and patience to cultivate.

Another gentleman talked about the gift he received from the regular practice of step 10:  self-awareness.  Knowing when to take action and when to sit back, when to open his mouth and when to keep it shut, when to push himself and when to rest, these are the fruits of the labor involved in a regular self-inventory.

So there’s hope for me yet.

As always, there was so much more shared than I can write down in one blog post.  I’m just glad to be back in the saddle!

Today’s Miracle:

Sitting upright and writing a blog post after having chaired a meeting.  After the past week, I can say that all counts as a miracle!

 

 

You Can’t Unring a Bell

“You’re being too hard on yourself.”

There was a time, really not that long ago, when the statement above would have been met with resistance on my part.  My instinctive response:  scoff and declare I was not hard enough on myself.

I know this because it is still the instinctive thought.

Had I taken the time to self-examine, the statement would have seemed complimentary in nature.  There is value in being hard on yourself.  It motivates you to achieve more, it alerts you when you are wading into morally ambiguous territory, and it prevents you from adopting that godawful victim mentality.

Possibly deeper still:  if you are hard enough on yourself, then anyone external being hard on you is likely not to hurt as badly.

All of this is conjecture, of course; introspection was not an activity I placed high on my list until the years following active addiction.  Now it seems I am questioning every thought and feeling I have.

And yes, some days the jury is out as to whether or not this is a good thing.

One rather startling revelation has come up in the past few weeks, so revolutionary that I feel compelled to write it out.  Through the endless self-examination and awareness of internal dialog, I have reluctantly concluded that perhaps I am more critical of myself than is necessary, certainly more than is effective.  This is not necessarily news.  What is the newsflash:  the Inner Critic manifests itself in a variety of ways, ways I would have previously defended to the death as virtuous.

It has been recently pointed out to me that in describing an event about which I’m feeling badly, I spend an inordinate amount of time talking about the other side of things.   It could be an argument with my husband, disappointment with my kids, hurt feelings with a family member.  No matter what the situation, I am compelled to state their case, project their feelings, or rationalize why I may be overdramatizing the situation.

When this pattern was first pointed out to me, I dismissed it as a non-pattern.  When the pattern became too obvious to dismiss, I was defensive, indignant even.  This shows my extreme sense of justice, I proclaimed self-righteously.   I am a better person for considering all sides, aren’t I?

And then, the question I can’t un-hear:  but if you’re spending all your time understanding and appreciating the perspective and feelings of everyone else, then when are you understanding and appreciating your own?

Every once in a while I am asked a question that makes my brain fall silent.  Even now, and this is a few weeks later, I think of that question and I mentally blank.  Which always, without fail, means I’ve got shift in perspective coming.

So if considering all sides of the problem, all the possible scenarios, all the feelings and thoughts of everyone involved is not the way to go, then what the heck is?  Apparently, the answer is to relate the story, and end with how I feel.  Period.  No explanations, no rationalizations, no justifications.

Even, especially, if I am relating the story to myself:

I feel (fill in the blank), and then refrain from rationalizing the feeling away.

And then, apparently, I am to feel the feelings.  Oh, how hard it is to keep the eyes from rolling.

Feel the feelings.  Does that sound as inane to the rest of the world as it does to me?  Except, ever since discovering this pattern, I have attempted to take the advice.  And found it almost a physical impossibility.  I will clamp my mouth shut, then open it to say, “But I realize that…”  The closest I have come is to say, “I want to say…, but I’m supposed to just say how I’m feeling, so I feel…”

So now I’m in the really annoying stage of criticizing myself for criticizing myself.  Exhausting to read?  Imagine living it!

At this point someone might be thinking, “How does someone get a few years into sobriety and not learn how to feel her feelings?

I suppose comparing post-recovery life to pre-recovery life, I have made progress with understanding, acknowledging, and even communicating feelings.  For example, in the earliest days of sobriety, I needed one of those smiley face charts to even figure out what I was feeling.  So there’s been progress in the years since.

What is the endpoint, I demand?  Let’s say I figure all this out, and feel my feelings, what then?  Do I live happily ever after?

No such luck.  What is supposed to happen is a greater sense of peace, of calm, of self-worth.  Learning to identify, process, and resolve internal “situations” will create room for positive things like happiness, gratitude, and joy.

Or so I’m told.  To say that I am in the experimental phase of this (the world “bullshit” has rolled around through my head several times while writing this post) would be an understatement.

And how does one get started on this magical process?  The first step, one in which I am deeply entrenched at the moment, is developing awareness.  Every time the negative inner voice speaks up, I take note of what is being said and how it makes me feel.  In case you’re interested, my heart picks up a few beats, and there is a small clenching in my stomach.

Now, here is a critical part:  don’t get impatient.  Don’t criticize the critic!  Just take note, become curious, detach as much as possible:

“How interesting is it that you feel anxious about something, but you’re trying to convince yourself why you are wrong for feeling this way?”

Fascinating… you are angry about a situation, but at the same time worried that you will upset someone with your anger?”

“Isn’t that curious that you just walked by the mirror and told yourself how fat you are?”

It sounds preposterous, I know.  But I will say the few times I’ve successfully done this, I usually laugh, and it does seem to break some pattern.  I suppose time and practice will tell if there are long-term benefits.

From there… to tell you the truth, I’m not sure.  Since I’ve really only gotten as far as awareness, I can’t say for sure what’s next.  I find myself pointing out when I’m doing the things I shouldn’t be doing, like making excuses for my feelings.  Perhaps that’s another step on the ladder.

In terms of a step-by-step guide to feeling the feelings… well, I’m working on it.  So far I’ve learned a few on the “What Not to Do” list:

  1. Open a bag of chips
  2. Binge watch a Netflix series
  3. Name your feelings, then talk yourself out of them

I’ve gotten back into the practice of meditating again.  This was no one’s suggestion but my own, because I find that even a small daily practice of sitting still and being mindful tends to increase my ability to detach from my thoughts.

Like most things, it is a work in progress.  I am a work in progress.  We’ll see if all this awareness results in a peaceful, yogi-like existence, or I wind up talking to the walls…

Today’s Miracle:

This post has been rolling around in my head for weeks; the miracle will be, if you are reading, then I have actually published it!

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