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On Sadness

 

Back and forth goes my mind:

 

Do not write today, nobody wants to hear this crap.

But isn’t that the point of this blog?

Maybe so, but whining for the sake of whining is helpful to no one.

But might it help… me?

 

Very, very abbreviated (and censored, I have a bit of a potty mouth in my “verbal” life) account of what’s going on in my head.  Well, here goes nothing…

I am sad today, I was sad yesterday, and the day before that.

My best friend’s father passed away, too soon, and with some tragic circumstances attached.  I am sad for my friend, I am even sadder for his Mom.

Although my father has been dead for 22 years, anytime the death of a parent comes into play, I relive that experience as if it just happened.  I dream about it, it is my first waking thought, and I feel like I can’t escape it.

So I’m sad that my father is dead.

I feel strongly that I should be able to get a better handle on my emotions, but can’t seem to do it.  I’m angry and impatient with myself for how much I’ve been crying, and then I’m sad that I’m mad.

And then I’m confused over which exact emotion I’m even feeling.

I’m sad that my friend will read this and think he has to comfort me, when it is I who should be comforting him.  I wish I could prevent this post from going into his inbox.

Today is my son’s field day trip, and for reasons that would take to long to explain, I can’t go with him.  I am really, really sad about this.

I have abused the only crutch I feel like I have left… food… for the past three days and have probably reversed any good I have done in the weight loss department (slight silver lining:  this has kept me off the scale, so at least I’m not compulsively weighing myself).  I am sad that I gave in to this instinctual need to comfort myself with things I know will not comfort me, sad that I just sidelined my diet, sad that I have to admit this mistake.

The out of control eating has left me sluggish and unable to exercise as I feel I should, which panics me at the thought of a rapidly approaching 5K to which I committed.  I am frustrated that I can’t get the proper perspective on this subject, and I am sad that I am not exercising as effectively as I was.

I am tired of myself, and I feel guilty that I am subjecting myself to all of you.

I am sad that I am not using the tools I have been so generously given.

However…

As I type, I feel a pinprick of an emotion that has been foreign for the past few days… hope.  I am hopeful that shining the light on these troubled thoughts and feelings might banish them, or at least lessen their severity so I can get back to a better place mentally.  We’ll see what happens, but I guess a glimmer is better than none at all.

Today’s Miracle:

Gratitude for my friends in the blogosphere for “listening!”

Get Out Your Party Hats, It’s Time To Celebrate Another Anniversary!

Welcome.  It is my goal in this blog to document my journey of recovery from addiction.  I have 52 days clean, so I am still very new on this path.  I hope to enlighten both myself and others on the daily trials, and the miracles, that can be found along the way.

Even this early on, I know one thing:  it is only one day at a time, one step at a time, that can bring success in freedom from addiction.  Living in the mistakes of the past brings nothing but heartache, and anxiety about the future brings nothing but stress.  Living in the present is a skill that requires patience through repetition, but will eventually bring rewards unlike any that I have ever known… at least that is my hope.

As I continue to document, I will try to include more personal details so that you may know more about me as a person.  I am completely new to the process of blogging, so I hope to learn as I go, and hopefully my site will improve daily.  I welcome all feedback, especially on ways to bring more depth to my story!

Thanks for taking the time to read this, I look forward to sharing my story…

-written by me, as the first post in this blog, one year ago today

I said to my husband this morning that I feel like I’m writing about one anniversary or another every week.  But it’s an amazing milestone:  one year of blogging!  When I wrote the words above, my honest expectation was that two people would read it: my Mom, and the friend who suggested I started this “experiment.”  I remember the first time I received an email notification that someone “liked” my post, I had to show it to my husband, and he had to explain to me that, in fact, there are others out there in the world that might be reading what I wrote.  What a concept!  And here we are, one year and quite a few more readers later, and my mind is blown how much this blog, and this community, have come to mean to me.  Now, I write, and cannot wait to read feedback from my friends, old and new.  Now, I get so excited when I see a new post from all of my fellow recovery “experts.”  And when I don’t see a post from someone, I worry about them, and pray that they are well.

The day I started this blog, was, coincidentally (or not), the day I moved back in with my husband after a 7-week break.  So the words above don’t fully convey the chaos that was reigning in my life; and yet, they were my mantra:  stay in the moment, stay in the moment, stay in the moment.  And I was right, that skill did take practice and patience, but man, was it worth it.  My life, one year later, is truly beyond my wildest dreams.  And it just keeps getting better.

So, a million thanks to all of you.  The support, the advice, the praise, the encouragement… there are simply no words to tell you how much richer my life has been because of all of you.

Today’s Miracle:

I would say one year of blogging counts as a bona fide miracle!

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