M(3), 7/11/16: The Gratitude Advantage

Is it wrong that I just kicked a variety of kids out of the house to write this blog post?  I am choosing to think not.

In typing out the title I realize it is 7-11 day, which means that particular convenience store will be giving out free Slurpees, so perhaps if I get through this post without interruption I can reward them.

The jury’s out if that can actually happen.  Actually, the jury is heavily leaning towards this not happening.

It’s funny that I am about to write a post on gratitude, and, if I’m keeping things real, I am feeling anything but in the current moment.  I dropped a weight on my finger during this morning’s workout.  At the time, I was grateful it wasn’t my writing hand; now I am realizing in this day and age I need all 10 fingers to write.  An extremely frustrating customer service call five minutes ago plays in my head, with no obvious solution on the horizon.

And have I mentioned the variety of kids?

But this is why I love a topic like gratitude; is is a universal tool that any human being can employ at any time, for any reason.  Even in the moment, when I don’t know what the next sentence will be, I am 100% sure that by the time I hit publish I will feel better, simply because my focus will be on gratitude.

And with that long intro, this morning’s literature selection came from the book Living Sober, a chapter entitled “Being Grateful.”  The chapter describes the various mindsets that a grateful attitude can improve:

• Negative speculations (always assuming the worst)
• The tendency to say “Yes, but…” to anything complimentary or optimistic
• Focusing on (and talking about) the ways in which other people are wrong
• An urgency to be right, and to prove we are right
• An unwillingness to open our minds to the thoughts/beliefs of others

In each of these cases, a simple shift to the perspective of gratitude can make a world of difference.

I shared first, and I spoke of the primary reason I needed to read about gratitude today.  A few months back, I submitted a resume for a job, something I have not done in more than 16 years.  I found out this weekend that I did not get the job (cue the sad music).

This is the type of news where my mind and my heart are at war with one another.  Maybe skirmish is a better fit, since war seems a bit big.  On the one hand, I really and truly (and really and truly) know that the job was a bit of a longshot (I was competing with people with years of experience in a field where I had essentially none), it was my first foray into the professional world in a really long time, and that another opportunity will present itself.  I am a strong believer that things happen for a reason, and therefore this job must not have been meant for me.  I had the most ideal of scenarios in terms of the interview process, as the hiring manager is someone with whom I have a passing acquaintance and so I was able to be my authentic self.  So my mind absolutely knows I put my best foot forward and have nothing in which to feel ashamed.

So that’s my head’s side of the story.

My heart has a different version of events.  The fact that I can make that statement at all shows the kind of progress I’ve made in recovery.  Who even knew that you could think one way but feel another?  Certainly not pre-recovery Josie!  All weekend long I’d be doing something and then wonder why my stomach felt jittery, or my chest area felt achy, then I’d stop and realize what the problem was… oh yeah!  I didn’t get the job!  And I’d feel disappointment, and a vague sense of something resembling panic, all over again.

And my mind would reprimand:  What is there to feel bad about?  And I’d distract myself some more.  And so on, for the next two days.

I fessed up to all of this to my group this morning, and as usual they came through for me. According to people much wiser than me, it seems that the feeling of feelings is something that is actually important to do (who knew?).  When I expressed uncertainty at what I would have done with this situation in active addiction, they said, “Duh!  You would have picked up a drink.”

It also turns out that being hard on oneself is a typical trait of alcoholics.  At least, that is the opinion of several in the room with decades of sobriety, so I trust they’ve been around our group long enough to know.  This fact illustrates for me, once again, that the real work begins once we put down the drink.  I’ve been sober for over four years now, and I’m still working on the self-kindness.   Good thing I’m not looking to graduate from this program!

Pushing aside feelings for any reason, telling yourself they are silly or illogical, is denying your value as a human being.  Human beings feel a variety of emotions for a variety of reasons; telling yourself you “shouldn’t” feel that way makes little to no sense.

Others spoke of the need to balance their feelings, so as not to wallow too long in something unpleasant or react to something too quickly.  The easiest way to do this?   Get out of your own head… go to a meeting, call a friend, just do something different.  As the saying goes, “move a muscle, change a thought.”

A woman newer to sobriety talks about how focusing on that for which she is grateful is the number one tool she uses daily to help her stay sober.  She has found it transformative:  good things become great things, and when things are not so great she is able to remember all the other good things, and it lessens the sting of whatever disappointment or irritant is happening for her.

So I guess I need to focus on my nine healthy fingers!

Today’s Miracle:

I got one prediction right, and one wrong.  I do feel better now that I’ve written about gratitude.  Even better, I was wrong about the kids not coming in to hassle me.  Looks like everyone’s getting a free Slurpee!