On Sadness

 

Back and forth goes my mind:

 

Do not write today, nobody wants to hear this crap.

But isn’t that the point of this blog?

Maybe so, but whining for the sake of whining is helpful to no one.

But might it help… me?

 

Very, very abbreviated (and censored, I have a bit of a potty mouth in my “verbal” life) account of what’s going on in my head.  Well, here goes nothing…

I am sad today, I was sad yesterday, and the day before that.

My best friend’s father passed away, too soon, and with some tragic circumstances attached.  I am sad for my friend, I am even sadder for his Mom.

Although my father has been dead for 22 years, anytime the death of a parent comes into play, I relive that experience as if it just happened.  I dream about it, it is my first waking thought, and I feel like I can’t escape it.

So I’m sad that my father is dead.

I feel strongly that I should be able to get a better handle on my emotions, but can’t seem to do it.  I’m angry and impatient with myself for how much I’ve been crying, and then I’m sad that I’m mad.

And then I’m confused over which exact emotion I’m even feeling.

I’m sad that my friend will read this and think he has to comfort me, when it is I who should be comforting him.  I wish I could prevent this post from going into his inbox.

Today is my son’s field day trip, and for reasons that would take to long to explain, I can’t go with him.  I am really, really sad about this.

I have abused the only crutch I feel like I have left… food… for the past three days and have probably reversed any good I have done in the weight loss department (slight silver lining:  this has kept me off the scale, so at least I’m not compulsively weighing myself).  I am sad that I gave in to this instinctual need to comfort myself with things I know will not comfort me, sad that I just sidelined my diet, sad that I have to admit this mistake.

The out of control eating has left me sluggish and unable to exercise as I feel I should, which panics me at the thought of a rapidly approaching 5K to which I committed.  I am frustrated that I can’t get the proper perspective on this subject, and I am sad that I am not exercising as effectively as I was.

I am tired of myself, and I feel guilty that I am subjecting myself to all of you.

I am sad that I am not using the tools I have been so generously given.

However…

As I type, I feel a pinprick of an emotion that has been foreign for the past few days… hope.  I am hopeful that shining the light on these troubled thoughts and feelings might banish them, or at least lessen their severity so I can get back to a better place mentally.  We’ll see what happens, but I guess a glimmer is better than none at all.

Today’s Miracle:

Gratitude for my friends in the blogosphere for “listening!”

Posted on May 22, 2014, in Self-Care and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 22 Comments.

  1. I can understand whey this reopened old wounds from losing your dad. As you know, time is the only thing that helps to ease the pain of losing a loved one. You have been a great support system to your friend; don’t be so hard on yourself. It is ok to be sad! Crying can be good for the soul.

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  2. why, not whey! LOL@&$*(&$&@*$&)$& Maybe that will cheer you up! 🙂

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  3. Please hang in there. It helps me to know I’m not alone when I also have these feelings. I always try to remember it’s not permanent. It will pass.

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  4. It is okay to be sad sometimes, the important thing is to not dwell on it though, that is a bad place to be. I ha e times like this as well, and I have to force myself into doing something even when I dont want to. For me I will listen to my personal feel good songs and lift weights. It almost always helps. One of my favorite expressions is fake it until you make it. Did you know it has been proven if you fake a smile, you actually do start smiling more.

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    • I did not know that fact about smiling, but I smiled when I read it, so that’s a start! Thanks so much for the advice, I am seriously going to take it (possibly except the lifting weights one, since I don’t have any!).

      I really appreciate the wisdom, and fake it until you make it was my daily slogan in the earliest days of my recovery, so thanks for that reminder as well!

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  5. Potty mouth away! I am the Queen of the Potty Mouth! 😉 I am so, so sorry to hear about your friend’s father. And about your own father, even if it was some time ago. I have not lost a parent, and I cannot even fathom how difficult that will be. Sending hugs!

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  6. Ah Josie! You sound like me when I get all wrapped up in how I “should” be doing things. That is what my friend John calls me being “scrupulous”. I know it well! I *should* be using those tools in my spiritual toolkit. I *should* be able to reign in those emotions and control them (uh oh, control…). I *should* not be sad or feel guilty or have others comfort me.

    Bullshit! (I can do potty mouth too!)

    I have my days – eating every chocolate chip cookie in sight, moping about, letting my feelings rip me apart as I feel unglued for a short spin. That’s okay to have that happen. It happens. It happens to ALL of us. I don’t care how many years of sobriety, how many tools at our disposal, how many sponsees, etc. we have…we get like that. We are human.

    This ideal that you and I should be this and that drives that perfectionism on ourselves…which sets us apart from others, yes? Ego talking. So be gentle to yourself. You ate…no biggie. You can work that off as you regain your footing. You’ve committed to that 5K. I know you will do it, even you don’t feel that you will 🙂

    Big hugs, and I am sorry that you have been feeling down. Feel down – that’s okay. it really is 🙂

    Paul

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    • Paul, not only did I smile at your potty mouth, I laughed out loud! Not in my wildest dreams do I picture you speaking as crassly as I am prone to do, but my oh my does the thought entertain me:)

      As always, you hit a lot of nails on the head, and I breathed a sigh of relief as I read this… your comments to my posts make me feel much the same way sharing in a meeting does, and the good feelings that come with it!

      I guess I forgot I was human, and I thank you much for reminding me. Let’s just see if I can’t do a little better today, since that is all I have anyway.

      Next time I need a laugh, I am emailing you and asking you to curse like a sailor 🙂

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  7. I’m sorry for the loss of your friend. And also for your loss and sadness. Food is definitely a filter I fall back on, many times automatically. Even though I couldn’t say how it helps me, maybe it does. It is hard work stripping away all these layers and filters and having to feel it all. It is uncomfortable and I don’t like a lot of what I feel and see in myself. I remind myself it will pass, even though I never ever forget this. Knowing and believing are two separate things.

    I am looking forward to the 5K and seeing you again soon. I’ll be thinking of you and your friend during this hard time.

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    • Kristen, I am shaking in my boots with regard to this 5k, haven’t been out in 2 days due to schedule (along with plain laziness), and next week is going to be just as rough. On the other hand, if I have to crawl through it, I’m going, so that’s that!

      This too shall pass is definitely the theme of the feedback I have been receiving, and it feels like I’ve taken a deep breath and exhaled each time I read it.

      Thanks for the calming breath… see you next week 🙂

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  8. runningonsober

    Awww Josie… I’m glad you wrote about this. Writing through our emotions is a good way to understand them and process them. Sadness is a natural state — even more so in women as our hormones fluctuate every second. But I do think readers benefit too in being reminded we’re not the only ones who feel this way.

    I’m responding via my phone email on a plane, so hopefully it goes through ok. Just wanted to send hugs. Love you!

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

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    • Thanks for this, Christy, I never considered that I might actually be helping someone by writing out these emotions, that just brought a smile to my face (along with the ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS Words for the Weekend this morning).

      Have fun wherever you are jetting off to!

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  9. When I’m having a hard time naming my emotions, it sometimes helps me to write it out. It also sometimes helps to eat a large handful of gluten-free oreos. I agree with Paul. There’s just no right or wrong way to do it. When emotions are triggered, it’s because our inner self knows that they need to be felt and its our natural response to want to resist. I’m sending you light and love Josie!

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  10. Oh god.. all this goddam emotion… it sucks! I feel your pain.. I really do. It’s just so goddam uncomfortable to be feeling all this shitty difficult emotion… hold on.. it will slowly pass and when you look back at this time you will feel so much cleaner about it than you ever would have if you’d been drinking through it. It’s often the lovely hindsight I have when looking back on tough sober times that makes it all worthwhile. You are doing so great.. it’s inspirational to read. Sending love from New Zealand xxxx

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    • Mrs. D! I need to get over to your blog!!! I wonder about the book, and then think, I need to get over to read about it! Alright, enough wishing, time for action!

      Thanks for the comment, and the New Zealand love. In my most recent post, I wished everyone a Happy Memorial Day, but made exceptions for people… you were my New Zealand person 🙂

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