My List of I Never’s

 

I have been reading quite a bit in the blogging world about the subtle benefits of sobriety, which made me think of this post I wrote about a year and a half ago.  Since I am sick as a dog right now (get out your violins, people!), and have very little energy (and am obviously feeling just a smidge sorry for myself!), I figured I’d repost this and remind myself why I am so damn grateful to be sober…

 

First published spring 2012:

Today in a meeting two different young men… one 22, the other 20 years old… shared how they felt about being in a 12-step program at such a young age.  To them, it feels restrictive, and they listed all the “normal” things kids their age do that they will no longer be able to do.  They look around the room we are in, and they see the ages of the people in the chairs next to them, and they think, “why can’t I do this for another 20 years, and then get it?”

As I listened to them, it made me think of my own life.  Now, maybe it is my advanced age, but I had a slightly different viewpoint.  Of course, in my 20’s, I did get to experience a lot (not all) of the things they listed… college parties, social drinking events, and so on… and my heart goes out to them, because I remember those times fondly.

But when I think of all the things I will never be able to do again, here is what my list looks like:

• I will never again get to wake up with my heart pounding out of my chest, because I am so ashamed of my actions from the day before
• I will never again get to spend the morning violently nauseous, or with a headache pounding louder than a jack hammer
• I will never again get to piece together the events of the evening before and never quite find all the pieces in my own memory
• I will never again get to pretend I remember some idiotic thing I said or did, and pretend that it is funny that I don’t remember
• I will never again get to hear about the jackass I made of myself at a family or social event
• I will never again get to see the look of utter disappointment in my husband’s eyes
• I will never again get to see the look of confusion on my children’s faces when they don’t understand my mood swings
• I will never again get to see the look of abject fear in my mother’s eyes
• I will never again get to be the guest of honor at an intervention
• I will never again get to embarrass my husband and children (at least not while chemically altered!)
• I will never again get to obsess over creating the next opportunity to obtain a mood altering substance

Of course this list could go a lot longer, but I think you get the picture.  I pray that the young men I heard share today get it so they don’t have to make the list I just made…

Today’s Miracle:

Reading this list over a year later and being, if it is even possible, even more grateful to have those experiences stay in the past!