My Mind Says No, But My Mouth Says Yes

I have a very limited ability to set, or, more accurately, to enforce personal boundaries.  I can imagine all the different, healthy boundaries that I could set, but the reality is that I don’t currently possess the chutzpah to vocalize them to another human being.

Here is a real life example:  I’ve mentioned on numerous occasions (read: every Monday morning),  I started and run an AA meeting.  The meeting takes place in a new clubhouse, less than a year old, where the goal is “to provide a clean, safe environment for recovery, spirituality and fellowship.”

I entered the picture about 6 months into this project.  They had a building, and they were looking for people to start meetings, and so I said yes when I was asked.  And I have never looked back; I am proud of the decision, proud of the way the meeting has grown, and deeply grateful for the personal growth the meeting has provided me.

Other than my meeting, however, I spend little time at the clubhouse, mainly because I don’t have a lot of time to give.  I frequent others’ meetings there as often as I can, and I support events by providing food as they need it.    But as a wife and a mother of 2 (relatively) small children, I have a full life outside of AA, and I got sober so that I could appreciate that life, so I will always opt for supporting my family over supporting a social AA function (please note that I am making a distinction between social AA events and AA meetings themselves, my recovery comes before everything else).

So imagine my surprise when, about a week ago, the clubhouse board members approached me and asked me to help them with their leadership.  I was surprised but flattered, and of course I said I would do whatever I could to help them out.  Then they said they would like me to serve as… drum roll please… the Director of the Clubhouse.

If I could provide an audio right now, it would be of car brakes screeching… WHAT THE WHAT?!?

This request makes sense to me on ZERO levels… I am not part of the original group, I am not even technically a charter member, I don’t attend business meetings, all I do is run one AA meeting a week… how exactly does that qualify me to be a Director?  And of course there are my own personal reasons, such as the time commitment and the fact that I have NO EXPERIENCE with this type of position… I don’t even know what the heck a director does!

So I say to them, “I am happy to help, I will attend the next business meeting, but I do not wish to be a director, I just want to help out where I can.”

My words, apparently, fell on deaf ears.  I have seen one of the board members twice this week.  Each time he jokingly referred  to me as the “head drunk of the clubhouse.”  At the business meeting, which I attended last night, they asked me why I wasn’t sitting behind the desk.  I calmly say, “because I am not the director, I am just here to help out.”  There were several other mini-references, which I largely just ignored.

I left that meeting feeling like a failure.  Why did I not just take the bull by the horns and address the issue as I saw it:  I do not want to be a director, I stated that fact, and my statement has been ignored.  Instead, I joked back with the guy, ignored the other references, and never let them know that I was entirely uncomfortable.  Basically, I skirted around the issue as much as I could, which, in the end, gets me no closer to solving the problem.

Why is it so hard to tell someone No?  I have been talked through this issue numerous times in my life (because this is far from my first experience with not communicating my feelings), and the process I have been given goes something like this:  if you tell someone honestly how you are feeling, imagine the worst case scenario.  Usually the worst case scenario is not so bad, thus prompting me to communicate in a healthy way.

So what worst case scenario can I imagine if I had just spoke up:  “I am uncomfortable with how hard you are pushing me to take this position, and I am unwilling to contribute more than I have already offered?”  I imagine unease, awkward silence, and subsequent internal discomfort.  Now, I don’t know for sure what would have happened in terms of the first two points I just mentioned, but guess what?  That internal discomfort was felt by me anyway, and that was WITHOUT me voicing my concerns!

Here’s the good news:  I will have ample opportunities to correct my behavior in the days to come,  I will keep you posted.  All advice is gratefully welcomed!

Today’s Miracle:

Getting ready to enjoy a quiet, stress-free family night, and I cannot wait!