Ghosts of Addictions Past

Do you remember the things you were worrying about a year ago? How did they work out? Didn’t you waste a lot of fruitless energy on account of most of them? Didn’t most of them turn out all right after all? -Dale Carnegie

I’ve had an uncomfortable thought process come up, with increasing frequency and intensity, in the past month or so.  I have written about it once or twice, peripherally, I have shared about it, in meetings and one-on-one, but it is hard for me to describe, and so I have been mostly talking to God about it, and asking Him to remove it.  Since He has not done so in the time frame I would like (as in, IMMEDIATELY!), I have to assume it is happening for a reason, and maybe the reason is I need to share it with others.  So at my Monday morning meeting, I decided to work my literature topic around this thought process and really try to explain it to the group.  I have no idea if I was effective in explaining myself, but I received some meaningful feedback, and so it was, as usual, an awesome meeting.

So here’s how the thought process works… I’ll use the most recent example, but I have hundreds more, it happens so frequently.  This morning I’m driving, and a song comes on the radio (Pink’s Glitter in the Air).  I immediately recall when she performed this song (2010 Grammy’s), and how much I enjoyed it.  I remember how that particular night I was watching the Grammy’s by myself in my bedroom (an unusual occurrence, my husband and I almost always watch evening television together in the family room).  I then try to recall if I was in an altered state, and perhaps that was why I was alone watching the show (I still can’t honestly remember if that was true or not, but for the purpose of this example let’s assume I was).  Here’s where it gets harder for me to explain:  once I pose this question to myself, an unpleasant sensation washes over me, a feeling to which I can’t quite put a name… guilt?  remorse?  It’s not a simple emotion, I believe it’s a mix of feelings, but it is intense, and hard to shake.

I have tried different things to snap out of it… I have tried sitting in the feeling, to give a more definitive name to the emotion.  I have tried to simply direct my thoughts elsewhere.  I have prayed about it, I have shared about it.  And still, the memories come back, on a regular enough basis that I fear God is telling me something, although I have no idea what that is.  This thought process does not just happen with music, it can happen at any time, and sometimes, for no reason at all.  Last week I was sitting with my son at the bus stop when this feeling washed over me, I can’t even recall what we were talking about.

The most hopeful feedback I received from this morning’s meeting was that time will heal this particular wound, so I need to exercise some patience.  If nothing else, I can at least feel grateful that these memories, or thoughts, or painful feelings, or whatever, are not causing me to want to give up my sobriety, which brings me to…

Today’s Miracle:

409 days sober, and even when painful thoughts arise, the obsession to alter myself chemically is gone!

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Posted on March 11, 2013, in Recovery and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. I’m not sure what kind of relationship you have with your God, but since you mentioned prayer, have you ever heard of intersessory prayer? Maybe you feel that way so you can make a conscience contact with God for someone that can’t. Just a thought!

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  2. I know that feeling. “ughh” is what immediately follows the thought. For me is manifests as a flash of disgrace or discontentment with my past life. It’s as if I have this bright shock of judgement towards my old ways, which is usually followed up with an instant sense of relief and gratitude. I get them randomly too – I might pass by a building or see someone who reminds me of someone who I harmed, etc…If that is the kind of thing you are talking about, then yes, it goes away slowly. I certainly noticed it after my 4th and 5th, and my amends. But they still come – usually small little flashes that come and go quickly. I just don’t pay them mind as much as I can. I just acknowledge “yup, I did that” or “aha – I certainly did say that to so-and-so” or “yes, I was hammered then”. I think what you’ve done – sitting with it, praying about it, etc. are great. I used to do all sorts of things…and then I found that not doing anything about it was what made it start to go away. By giving energy to it, I kept that feeling going. I drop it. Try it! 🙂

    Wonderful post – really, really reading your blog 🙂

    Paul

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