A Series of Bottoms: The Epilogue
So here we are, finally, back to the present. Since this blog has been more or less a journal of the past year, I encourage someone just reading for the first time to look back over the past months to get an idea of what it was like. For this post, however, I am going to focus on the miracle that was waiting for me, just around the corner. It is 365 full days later, and daily I did the four things I have talked about the past year… I prayed, I went to a meeting, I talked to another alcoholic, and I did not pick up a drink or a drug. As a result I get something today I honestly did not think I could ever do, which is stand in the front of a meeting and receive a coin that commemorates my one year of sobriety.
I have been trying to compose this post in my head for the past week, the topic being, what have I gained in recovery? The list is almost endless… healed relationships, gratitude, membership in an indescribably wonderful Fellowship, pride, clarity, connection with God, I could honestly go on and on.
So then the big question… what is at the top of the list? I think the biggest gift I have received in sobriety is a true sense of self. And I don’t mean I got myself back, I mean I got this sense of self for the first time in 43 years. Prior to this past year, I defined my life by the things that needed to change… once I lose weight, once I get my degrees, once I have an awesome profession, once I am married, once I have a child, once I have a boy and a girl, once I am able to run a mile without stopping, once I stop drinking, once I stop taking painkillers… then my life will be great. For as long as I can possibly remember, my happiness was based on a set of future conditions, and, if I was lucky enough to meet those conditions, a new future set was already in place. Which meant happiness was always just out of my reach.
Today, as a result of a year spent reflecting, and praying, and sharing, and writing, I feel different. I am at peace, right now, at 9:06 am on Sunday, January 27th. I have faith that I will be at peace for the rest of the day. If something happens to disrupt that peace, I know that something is temporary, it will pass, and I will be okay. And if the day goes completely to hell, I have the ultimate tool that I can take out and use at will: “Am I sober today? Then nothing else matters.”
365 days of continuous sobriety? Priceless.
Posted on January 27, 2013, in Recovery and tagged 12 steps, Addiction, Alcoholic Anonymous, God, Recovery, Sobriety, Substance Abuse, Sunday, Support group, Twelve-Step Program. Bookmark the permalink. 20 Comments.