A Series of Bottoms, Chapter 2

I am not judged by the number of times I fail, but by the number of times I succeed, and the number of times I succeed is in direct proportion to the number of times I fail and keep trying.                     –Tom Hopkins

When I last left off in this story, it was the summer of 2011 (if you are just joining the story now, read yesterday’s post).  I have successfully removed a few addictive substances from my life with the belief that simply one vice would satisfy the people around me, while still maintaining the control I so desperately wanted.  Two hitches with this train of thought.  First, I still had to live a lie in order to hold on to my addiction.  Second, addiction doesn’t sit, lay down and roll over as I truly believed it would.

As I have learned, there are a number of paths my “philosophy” in the summer of 2011 could have taken me, such as:  I could have picked up another, totally separate addiction, or I could have simply reverted to all the previous ones, since, what the heck, I’m already lying, why not just go back to everything?  But the way it actually panned out was this:  I held onto that one vice, and that addiction simply took off.  What at first was a “when you have it, just enjoy it, and when it runs out, wait until you can get some more” thought process evolved into “let’s see what we can do to make this happen as frequently as possible.”  And so the addiction progressed, and, if I am being honest, I truly believed I was pretty clever.  It’s like anything else:  when you put your mind to work, it is amazing what you can accomplish, and accomplish I did.  Through trial and error, I came up with some pretty ingenious ways for obtaining my drug of choice.

Never once giving thought to the damage I was doing to my physical self, or the addictive properties of the drug itself, it became like a game to me.  At the time, my husband was the referee of the game, and our marriage suffered greatly for it.  My thinking at this point was something along the lines of:  “If he would just stop prying into every little detail of my life, everything would be fine!”  I can’t stress this strongly enough, I wasn’t justifying my actions, I simply chose not to look at myself at all.  All my thought processes at this point were external… where and how can I obtain my drug of choice?  Why is my husband spying on my every move?  How can I be even more clever so I can avoid his interrogations?

So the next few months were a series of deceit, lies, cover-ups, and explosions when I was finally “caught in the act.”  The culmination of this particular bottom happened on October 14, 2011.  My husband, for what felt like the millionth time, uncovered a deception, and gave me an ultimatum:  go away and get help, or simply go away.  It took a few days to find an appropriate facility, and I was able to negotiate staying home long enough to celebrate my son’s 9th birthday, but I went to an inpatient rehab on October 19, 2011.

Wouldn’t it be nice if this was where the story turns around?  Stay tuned for tomorrow’s shocking twist…

Today’s Miracle:

That I can retell this story, and my friends and family still love me.

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Posted on January 23, 2013, in Recovery and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 9 Comments.

  1. I have found in these rooms and on this journey that nothing surprises anyone any more. I have found that if I hadn’t done it, it sure was not outside the realm of what I could have done, or was next on my list to do. I know that an addict to the degree I was there is and was yet more that could have taken place to bring me lower than I already stood. Putting your story out there just may save someone from the next item on their list and bring them to a realization that they don’t have to do what you did, they dont have to go to the depths we did, they can STOP now and start living a life of recovery today. Your story has the potential to bring others to enjoy a NEW way of LIFE. I so greatly appreciate you telling it. I am enjoying it and can see me all weaved in through it. Telling it is going to offer you a huge amount of growth and I for one am excited to here to watch it! Thanks again.

    -Pops-

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    • A million thanks, Pops, you always know exactly what to say!

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      • awwww…. you are too kind. Where did Chapter 3 go? I started reading it in my email, clicked the link to finish and seemingly, the link took me to “Page not found” … I am sitting on the edge of my seat. If it is of any comfort to you, I would be MORE than happy to post my story as well.

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      • I have no idea what happened in that first post. I was furiously typing, and out of nowhere the computer stopped, and it was published. Mystifying… but the complete “chapter” is now up. Good luck reading, it was absolutely horrifying to write out!

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      • It was WONDERFUL reading and I completely relate. I ended up in rehab as well, but in a very different way. I was high as a kite, drunk as a skunk and had to spend 14 days in detox – they removed all my possessions, my shoe strings, belts, personal hygiene stuff – they took everything so I wouldn’t harm myself while the substances moved through my body and were naturally discharged. It was painful to say the least. From there was 8 weeks in treatment. I remember being so happy to be able to simply shave my face unsupervised. LOL. Craziness. feel free to email me anytime – I would love to hear from you. perkpopadopolis@gmail.com (PS: I also regularly attend NA meetings because simply being removed from Alcohol and speaking only to Alcoholics just wasn’t enough for me. I needed to be able to relate to addicts like me – those addicted to drugs, all drugs, any drugs – including alcohol. Just an idea you may be willing to try if you haven’t already.

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      • So relieved to hear you can relate, it helps. I was not overly fond of NA, the group I went to did not seem overly serious, but there is a group called DAA that I want to check out. Stands for Drug Addicts Anonymous, follows AA’s steps, traditions and Big Book, but allows for the discussion of drug use. I will let you know after I check it out!

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      • Try another NA group 🙂

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  2. Love the story and that you got it typed and posted. Love today’s miracle because we are still alive to love the people that love us. Love your hubby for giving you an ultimatum (out of love). Love your family for supporting you. And I love that I don’t even know you. yet I know you. See you tomorrow.

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