Ask, and Ye Shall Receive!
An interesting thing happened to me this weekend. Before I explain, a while back I wrote about the process an addict goes through, which is: a thought, which leads to an urge, which leads to a craving, which leads to an obsession, which results in a compulsion. As I mentioned when I wrote this, when in active addiction, this process is so quick, it is like a flipping the pages of a paperback from front to back.
As I also mentioned more recently, troubling memories have been resurfacing, and it is uncomfortable to experience. Fortunately, they are not thoughts to pick up a drink or drug. Unfortunately, it is memories of times in the past when I have.
For whatever reason, this past Saturday was one of those days where the memories were coming fast and furious. That night, we went to the 5:00 mass, and still I was plagued with disturbing thoughts. Since I was at church anyway, what better time to ask, in more elaborate detail, to have Him direct my thoughts in a more productive way?
The first answer I received was a reminder of the process I described above. With that reminder, I was able to reflect just how far I’ve come. By the grace of God, I have had the compulsion, obsession, the craving, and the urge to pick up a drink or drug lifted from me. That, in and of itself, is a miracle, one for which I should be grateful for every minute of every day. And even these thoughts that have been plaguing me are of a much lesser evil. The worst thought that occurs is just a bad memory, it is never a thought to use any mind-altering substance in the present. Another gift.
So finally, right before communion, there is a short space where I mentally recite the act of contrition. As I am doing this, the thought comes to me to ask for forgiveness, because at the heart of it I believe that I am somehow causing all these painful memories to resurface, that I am in some way at fault. The mass ends, we go home, eat dinner, and have a low-key Saturday night. While watching TV that evening, I am also catching up on email, and there is one from my husband (who happens to be sitting about 2 feet from me). It is an article he found online that he thought I would enjoy (mind you, I have not shared any of the thoughts from the day with him). I inluded the article (hopefully) in this post.
Is it odd, or is it God?
Monday mornings bring the meeting I started. First miracle: 12 attendees. Second miracle… a woman came to the meeting (I have met her, but have no personal relationship), and told me that she came because she has been hearing such good things about the woman who runs Monday’s literature meeting. I had to stop and back up mentally… wait, the woman she is talking about is ME!
Posted on January 14, 2013, in Recovery and tagged 12 steps, Addiction, Alcoholism, Divine grace, God, Health, Miracle, Monday, Psychoactive drug, Recovery, Saturday, self-development, Self-Help, Sobriety, Substance Abuse, Television, Thought. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.