Don’t You Steal My Sunshine

So I have been as sick as a dog for the past two days (fever seems to be down this morning, all other symptoms still there, but I can function without the fever).  It started Wednesday night, and kept me up all night.  Thursday I was forced to cut out all activities other than those mandated by law (not easy to do during holiday madness).

And when I was feeling my physical lowest, I also got slammed on some mental fronts as well (isn’t it always the way).  One of my biggest intellectual hang-ups is injustice of any kind, and if I am personally factored into the injustice, then I have a tendency to go nuts.  Well, in my opinion, I was the target of some injustice on Thursday, and it was a situation over which I was powerless.  The icing on this cake was that feeling that comes creeping in when things don’t go my way… the “why are these people doing this to me/why don’t these people like me/what can I do to make these people like me” feeling that does nothing but sink me lower into the already pretty deep hole I was in.

So what did I do about it?  First, I shared about it,  because if I try to work things out in my own head, nothing but disaster will follow.  I actually ran into a woman from the program (is it odd or is it God?), and was able to speak with her immediately following the troubling incident.  Then I went to a meeting and shared some more.  Then I went home and whined to my husband.  In the past I would have berated myself for dumping my troubles on others, I truly believed that no good could come from spreading my misery.  Now I know that keeping things bottled up only leads to explosions down the road.

I would be lying if I said everything is turned around now and I feel wonderful.  Obviously physical health plays a role, and I am still under the weather.  But sometimes, even when you know where you want to be mentally, even when you can see the other side of the road you want to be on, sometimes it just takes a while to actually get there.  I know, absolutely, that I will come out of this funk, and so I will just continue to keep doing what I have been doing for the past 330 days, and believe that the miracle is around the corner!

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Posted on December 22, 2012, in Recovery and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.

  1. Thank you for this post.
    I really appreciate the honesty in your words and have felt/feel many of the emotions you touch on. I have a tendency to get caught up in “why don’t they like me”. I also have toubles with feeling like I should not dump on others, tot he detriment of myself, and I don’t have a healthy outlet for venting or sharing the daily struggles. My hubbie tries, but my mind works at such a pace that it is hard for me to even keep up, at times, and I tend to get easily to that explosive stage. I know it is a problem with my life management skills and I have a desire to learn where I am going wrong.
    If I may ask you a question…
    I am not actually a newcomer, but recently started meetings again for the first time in my area, and was hoping this would be the right outlet for that and sharing. But I have found that, unless I am interpreting it wrong, it isn’t. I find a huge focus on sticking to the “where we were, what we did, and where we are now”, which I can try to do but just don’t feel I am entirely ready for, and I have felt this focus so much so that I am now hesitant to share at all. This isn’t how I remember meetings, but it has been quite a while since I’ve been at any. All that said, how much of meetings is about sharing our current struggles and how much is about sharing our testimony? Am I just being too sensitive about it all?
    Thanks again for your honesty… it affirmed these real issues in me, and allowed an environment that I felt I could reach out and ask for help.
    I hope you feel much better, soon!

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    • Thank you for the thoughtful reply, and the kind words. I find in my area of the world (Pennsylvania), there are as many types of meetings as there are alcoholics. I have found some to be exactly the way you are describing (you will follow our format to the letter OR ELSE!). In my opinion, this excludes the very person we are hoping to attract… the newcomer. But there are meetings that go to the other extreme, as well, and everything in between. I have been all over the place in the last 11 months, and I am finally finding a niche that works for me. I believe (from having read your wonderful blog) that you are from Canada, so I’m not sure if there is the plethora of meetings there that there are here, but I hope so. In the worst case scenario, you can always share the struggles of your life under the umbrella heading of “things that could lead me back to a drink.” If there is a person in the room that turns away that kind of sharing, I’d like to have a word with him or her!

      Thanks again for the question, I absolutely love to have discussion with my fellow bloggers!

      Josie

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      • Thank you Josie, for your feedback and affirmation of what I was feeling.
        I am in Canada, and there are not a huge amount of meetings, but probably a couple or more to choose from per day, on average. I agree that it seems to defeat the purpose of being there for the newcomer. But I also acknowledge that not every meeting will be the same.
        Now with your feedback, I will not let it deter me! I have just not found the right one(s), yet. 😉
        I truly appreciate your help with the umbrella heading… it was just what I needed to help sort it out in my head. I have such a hard time asking or allowing myself to receive help, that I even forget that it is okay to need what I need from a meeting and get out there and search for it. 🙂
        I haven’t been blogging much… so stuck in my head that it has been hard to see my way to writing or sorting it out enough to have anything to write, but I will get back to it, sometime. Hopefully sooner, rather than later.
        I am thrilled to know you and to have found your blog. It is a phenomenal community of support here and I truly appreciate your help.
        xx 🙂
        Aaron

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  2. Beautifully said!!

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  3. I used to be filled with rage over injustices, I used to rant and rage and shout from the rooftops. It did me no good, in the nd it paralysed me as I felt useless, incapable, a failure, trapped… Etc

    This was something I had to work really hard on in step 6/7

    ‘Choosing to be a Victim’

    In truth. Shit happens, sometimes life isn’t fair. But the old is not out to get us. My ank manager is not sitting at home plotting hw to make my life a misery. Neither s the receptionist at the doctors surgery….

    They treat everyone the same. Sometimes that treatment s shit. If we accept it gracefully. Often it turns around.

    Think for a second about saying onto a 6 year old. How they respond to that no affects how you ollow it up.

    No you can’t have a chocolate bar…. Tantrum…. We have to stand firm

    No you can’t have a chocolate bar…. Ok mummy….. But let’s buy one for sharing with daddy after dinner…

    Humans react in the same way. If their job requires them to treat us in a way we feel is unjust, they will follow up that treatment in very different ways depending on our response to them

    Hope you don’t mind my long comments… I’ve been there… I know what is like. I chose not to stay there these days. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fall flat on my face… But whatever I do, I know there is a solution

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  4. Grrr iPad dropping letters again!

    I meant to say that the WORLD is not out o get us! My BANK manager…… Saying NO to a 6 year old, (not onto??) …. And how you FOLLOW it up!

    For Aaron re meetings for sharing current stuff; look for meetings with lots of old timers, and small meetings xxx

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    • Barbara, I cannot tell you how much this comment helped me. I struggle so much with this character defect, and I am still so unsure how to rid myself of it. I do pray, and I do try to act “as if” it is gone, but it really still hangs around! It helps to hear others with empathy, and how they work to overcome it!

      Like

      • It is really hard, it takes lots and lots of practice, and it is SO much easier to help others to understand it in a particular situation as we are not emotionally involved, but basically, if the injustice you are experiencing is due to ‘the rules’ then it’s not about you, and you just have to keep affirming that it’s not a personal attack, and then try to pretend that it’s ok. Fake it to make it. Not reacting badly makes a big difference to the future outcomes, and most of all to how you feel! 🙂

        Being ill also makes a big difference. So much easier to be a serenity angel when you are feeling physically well!

        Xx

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