Introspection

I have not failed; I’ve simply found 10,ooo ways it won’t work. –Thomas Edison

Tonight is the continuation of my AA step-study.  It’s funny, I keep reporting that nothing really happens in these sessions, they feel a lot like school work (which, I repeat, is not a bad thing), and I can’t really imagine how any “psychic change” can come about as a result of this work.

And yet…

I find myself, more and more, looking at my decisions and actions, things I have done unconsciously and repetitively, and seeing them through a new, more detached set of eyes.  Case in point:  tomorrow is our bi-annual family reunion.  It unites 10 different branches of our family tree, and has about 150 attendees.  It is just a big day-into-night-into late night (unless you are in recovery, and then it is day-into-evening-and-then-go-the-hell-to-bed) party, but, as with any large gathering, it requires a lot of planning.  I have done something related to this function almost every day for the past two weeks straight, and intermittently through the summer.  I am involved in it up to my ears, and it gets to the point that I just want the whole thing over with.  This morning, for the first time, I considered this… if 150 people are attending, what percentage of them are walking into the reunion, having done no more prep work than read the emails that have been sent out (usually by me), and simply enjoying the party?  The concept of doing that honestly boggled my mind.

Now, I don’t necessarily think that is the right approach either, I believe everyone should be willing to help out, and I think there can be actual joy in the prep work, but, like everything else, moderation is key, and I have, once again, failed to grasp that philosophy.

This post is not so much about the reunion, or my inability to moderate my involvement in party planning.  It is more about the idea that I have stepped back and seen that aspect of myself.  Before this time, if I thought about it at all, I probably thought it was a good thing… I am a good family member, I get involved, I care.  I honestly believe this insight, still very much a work in progress, is a direct result of “working the steps,” and God is mentally readying me to write that moral inventory (step 4).  Which, by the way, still scares the you-know-what out of me, but that is, thank God, not a worry for today…

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Posted on August 31, 2012, in Recovery and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

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