How do I feel? I still feel pretty much like myself, although I feel more confident in my ability to handle my feelings, and, consequently, the people in my life. How has life changed in the past 6 months? I guess it depends on what I compare it to. If I compare it to my life as it was exactly 6 months ago, my life has changed dramatically. Six months ago I was separated from my husband and children, living back in my childhood home, a source of pain for all of my family and friends. I was facing seemingly insurmountable problems in absolutely every area of my life. To say my life is different from 6 months ago would be an understatement.
What I’ve been trying to figure out is this… with the exception of that time of separation from my family earlier this year, my life today, in terms of routine and structure, is not significantly different from any other time in my recent life. There are two notable exceptions: I attend 12-step meetings every day now, and I refrain from using any mind-altering substances. But the daily activities are remarkably similar… I still grocery shop, clean (somewhat), cook (somewhat), attend to family obligations, raise my children, interact with my husband, watch TV, play Webkinz (yes, that is actually a daily activity for me).
So what makes today different from July 27th of last year? Or January 27th of this year? Here is the critical difference, the inner change that makes every single daily activity different from any I performed at any other point in my life… I am proud of myself. I have done something, despite all odds, that I truly believed I could never do… I have remained sober for 180 consecutive days. While it certainly did not start out as my own idea… there were many external forces at play 6 months ago that propelled me into sobriety… at some point during the past 6 months the decision to stay clean and sober was one I was making primarily for myself.
Today, no one is watching over me, insisting I make a meeting every day, I do it because I choose to, because it has become a point of pride for me. If something unusual happens in the morning and I am unable to start my day on my knees in prayer (and that has only happened 2 or 3 times in the past 6 months), I will create a time later in the day to make up for it. I have created my own goals of writing in this blog, and I have stuck to them, every week.
Feeling pride in myself as a person leads to all sorts of other good things… appreciation and gratitude for all the blessings in my life, confidence that if I can achieve this goal, then really the possibilities are endless, and, most importantly, fortitude to continue on this path, one day at a time, for the rest of my life. Because now I know what all the people in the rooms have been saying since day one… it is much easier to stay sober than it is to get sober.
I had the opportunity to show my 6 month coin to my uncle today. He asked me, “how do you feel?” I answered, “I feel proud of myself.” I honestly believe that is the first time in my entire life that I have said those words and truly meant them.
And I maintain, as I have many times in the past… all of this, and the best is yet to come!
Posted on July 27, 2012, in Recovery and tagged 180 days, AA, Alcoholic Anonymous, Alcoholism, Clean and Sober, Coin, God, one day at a time, pride, Psychoactive drug, Sobriety, Support group, Twelve-Step Program, Webkinz, xa. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.