Issues Other Than Recovery in Recovery
Did you ever suspect something to be true (usually something negative), and, once the suspicion takes root in your mind, twist every subsequent event to fit your theory? If you have not, I am happy for you, because this thought process is unnerving, anxiety-producing, and absolutely draining.
As a person in recovery, this kind of thinking is the opposite of everything I am learning, but damn if it isn’t a hard habit to break. Once I have it in my head that someone is thinking a negative thought (about me, because isn’t it always about me?), then it is exceedingly difficult for me to:
1. let my suspicions go without reacting to them, and
2. create continuing scenarios in which I essentially build my case against the person, simply to justify my paranoid thinking.
I can say with authority that this process, once begun, never ends well. So why do I continue with this behavior? At this stage of my journey, the best insight I have is that it is all ego… I am so sure of my powers of perception, so confident in my ability to analyze the behaviors of others, that no one is going to persuade me I am wrong.
And the solution to this problem? Well, since I am a work in progress, I can’t be too hard on myself if I haven’t fixed every character defect, or gotten to the bottom of every issue in my life. For the time being, I can acknowledge that this is an issue with which I struggle, and I can turn it over to God, and ask Him to continue to direct my thoughts and my actions to better serve His will.
It sounds good, I’ll keep you posted on how it works!