I am still very new at writing on a daily basis, and I struggle a bit with whom the intended audience is for this blog. For that reason, I have consciously kept my writing a bit on the general side, particularly when it comes to personal information. It can also be challenging to come up with a topic each day about which it feels comfortable to write, since I tend to feel I don’t have a lot of worthwhile information to share. So for me, today’s post is radically different than all of the preceding ones. First, because the inspiration hit me like a ton of bricks, early this morning, and the desire to share it was so strong I was actually disappointed that I had to wait until so late in the day to share it. Second, it is different because it is the most intensely personal bit of information I am sharing to date.
When you are an addict, living with regret becomes such a normal part of life that it almost feels natural. It might be more accurate to say that you make so many decisions you regret that you easily find a way to avoid dealing with them, and the avoidance becomes natural. So, in early recovery, one of the first priorities is learning how to stay sober while simultaneously learning how to manage the regrets, since prior to recovery the goal was brushing mistakes under the carpet.
My understanding, although I am not close to being at this place, is that if I follow the steps to the best of my ability, I will eventually find true absolution from the mistakes of the past. So I am hopeful and excited for that day to come, but in the meantime, I struggle daily with the wreckage in my life that I have created.
And while the list of regrets I have could probably span a football field or two, I can tell you without hesitation that there is one regret that stands far apart from all the others. That regret, simply put, is that I have irrevocably changed certain loved ones, changed their personality in a permanent and negative way from which they will be unable to recover. This is a fear that haunts me daily.
So back to the title of this post. I have experienced absolutely amazing things in the last 62 days, things that felt like little miracles. This morning, I believe I have experienced what for me was the greatest blessing of my recovery to date. Like many blessings, I did not recognize it until after it happened. Today, for the first time, I saw a glimpse of a loved one whom I truly believed was gone forever. It was a morning routine like so many others, but when I looked back on it I realized it was like so many others in the past, when my mistakes did not interfere with every aspect of our daily lives, when he was free to express his naturally positive personality… that happened today, even with all the pain I have caused.
In my heart, I was certain he had been so hurt, so broken, by my mistakes that I would never really recover him. And yet, with the normal activity of a regular weekday morning, I was witness to the hope that maybe, with time, patience, and continued progress, he may be restored to his natural, optimistic, joyful self, and that I did not do irreparable damage to him. For me, this is a miracle, and there are no words to describe the feeling of gratitude and hope it brings me.