Whether You Believe You Can or Can’t Do Something, You’re Right…

Day 2 of blog, 53 days clean… what to write about?  Today let’s start with the basics.  For the past 53 days, I had 4 hard and fast rules to live by, and absolutely nothing else about my day mattered except following those rules.  They are:

  • Don’t use any mood altering substance
  • Pray
  • Go to a 12 step meeting (I choose AA, but there are many other respectable 12 step organizations)
  • Call my sponsor (if you don’t have one, call another addict)

Truthfully, there have been many days during the last weeks where this did not seem like enough, and then I was told even more firmly not to get ahead of myself, do those four things, and I will get better.

In the beginning, this seemed ridiculous.  First, I have tried to recover many times before, so I completely lacked confidence in my ability to even get past rule #1.  Second, these rules are simply too easy, if it is that easy, why can’t anyone do it, and, more specifically, why haven’t I been able to do it?

But, 53 days ago, I was simply out of options.  My life had spiraled so far out of my control that I had absolutely no choice but to listen to the people who had their shit together.  I am fortunate to have a great sponsor that has been willing to stick by me through all of my mistakes and bad decisions of the past, and this time I guess I was finally backed far enough into a corner that I did not feel I had a choice but to follow every directive she gave me.

So I did it, went to bed, got up, and did it again.  And for many days I thought that my life was pointless, meaningless, and I was accomplishing absolutely nothing.  Then, I guess as my head cleared, and as I got used to my new circumstances (again, I will get into my back story at some point), I started listening in meetings more intently, and I was hearing things I hadn’t heard before, relating in a way I had never related before.  Small little signs from God were happening, and, while my actual life circumstance weren’t improving, I began seeing a small light at the very far end of the tunnel.

And today, at a meeting, I hear someone with 12 days sober talk about how out of control his life is, and how desperate he feels, and, for the first time in 53 days, I was able to see that in less than 2 months time, I had truly come a long way.  I was that person a very short time ago, I had that much chaos and that little hope.  And already, I can be a person that helps the hopeless, and share a story that is already re-writing itself.

Posted on March 21, 2012, in Recovery. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. I love this!

    Like

  2. Looking forward to reading about your journey!

    Like

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