For almost 6 months now I have been focusing, more or less, on one thing… staying sober. I have lived by the motto if I do the 4 things that have kept me sober one day at a time for the past 172 days (pray, not pick up, go to a meeting, and talk to another alcoholic), if I complete these things each day, then my day is a success. Period. Of course, other things do get done in the day, I have a home, husband and children, so it would be difficult NOT to do other things in a day, but if the house is messier than I would like, or if I did not exercise as I planned, forgot to pick up something at the store… these things used to haunt me in the past, but now I simply remember… did I do my 4 things? Okay then, the day is a success.
Now the only blip in this otherwise perfect horizon is that it does leave few things personally out there hanging. I have a few relationships, damaged more or less as the direct result of my addiction, that are unresolved in one way or another. For the past 6 months I have made the conscious decision to put these relationships on the back burner, because sobriety comes first, and these relationships did not fit into my daily to-do list.
I am now finding that these issues are starting to simmer on the back burner, which tells me that God is gently letting me know I am ready to handle them. The biggest struggle I have in cleaning up these messes is knowing what is truly important to say, and what makes more sense to leave be. I have heard two different pieces of advice in the program. The first is the importance of “cleaning up my side of the street,” which to me means talking everything through in order to clear out the past. The other thing I have learned is “restraint of pen and tongue,” which to me means if you are not sure whether you should say it, then shut up! So, to me, that is confounding… which do I do, clean up or shut up?
I guess I will figure it out, one way or the other…